is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
