why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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