just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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