perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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