Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
