You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
