Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
