either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
