K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
