I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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