If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
