I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
