the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
