I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
