I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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