note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
