i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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