I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Less talking, more tequila
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
