can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
