And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Two words: blizzard sex
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
