She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
