I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I cut my penus on the lid.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
