The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
