no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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