i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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