I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
