There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
