I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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