Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
