nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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