apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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