Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
