Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
