If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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