I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
