I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
