did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
