love makes seman taste better
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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