did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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