You don't have asthma, your pregnant
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
