seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
