New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
