M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
My life is pants optional.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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