He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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