hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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