Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
