okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
