i think my mom watched the whole time
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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