if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
