Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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