I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Enjoy the penises
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