you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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