i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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