I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
