with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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