Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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