I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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